A couple days ago I drove to my mentee's house to pick him up, and he walked out of his house with his jacket only covering one arm. He had a big smile on his face and he was nodding approvingly while looking down at his arm. As he got in my car, I could see that he had a huge tattoo on his forearm. He had just got it the day before so it was still sore and covered with a special oil to help it heal. He looked over at me and said, "What do you think, Mr. B?"
I questioned in that moment how I should respond. My mentee has never known his father, and the two older men in his life who he looked up to, his brother and his uncle, were killed this past summer. I am now one of the only consistent male figures in his life, so I try to view that role with a lot of care. I didn't say anything to him at first. No lectures about how tattoos are permanent. No speeches about morals, or about what future employers might think. I didn't think to refer him to books or articles on the subject of tattoos. I didn't give any hint of disappointment or disapproval. I broke the silence by asking, "Can I get a closer look at that thing? Tell me about it. What does it mean?" He said, "The initials are my brother's who died last summer. The dates are his birthday and the day he died. And the big cross is there because my bro is with Jesus." I have been helping him through the grieving process with his brother's death, and I have been encouraging him to open up about the emotions he has been dealing with. I guess I wasn't expecting that to happen in the form of a tattoo, but it seemed appropriate to him to get one in honor of what would have been his big brother's 19th birthday. After his explanation about the tattoo, I just smiled at him and said, "That's really nice. Tell me a little more about your brother." And a great conversation followed.
Mentors play an important role in the lives of our mentees. We are friends. We are role models. We are people that kids can open up about things with. We are not in charge of fixing kids, or their problems. We are not parents. We are not their boss. And we are definitely not the tattoo police. We are not responsible for trying to make our mentees conform to our values. We are not in charge of changing them. LAMP mentors are in our our mentees lives to show them Christ's amazing, profound, spectacular, life-changing love. We listen a lot. We love a lot. And with that perspective of humility and service, God is able to work through us. And that's what mentoring is all about.
3 comments:
I too have learned to ask questions prior to making comments. your story reminds me of a time I was speaking about transplants and my story and a young boy asked me if doctors can do brain transplants. A part of me wanted to laugh but I remained composed and told him I'm sorry that technology cannot do that yet and then I moved on. After my talk the teacher came and thanked me for handling the situation well. When I inquired as to what she was talking about she informed me that little boy's dad had just been diagnosed with brain cancer. It was one of those life changing moments for me in which I learned a lot about life and working with kids.
So true. There are so many times in my work with young people that I wish I would have just listened first and talked last (if at all).
Thanks again for sharing. We can all learn from each other. I'm someone who doesn't really care for tattoos and I know many who've gotten them prematurely only to have regrets later. Of course I've shared this with my boys versus just listening to them and hearing their stories.
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