The first time I met Ferby, he was throwing rocks at one of his friends, Amir, in the vacant lot across the street from my house. My wife and I intervened on their rock-throwing fun that day by distracting them with a nerf football, freezie pops, street chalk, and bubble wands. Our short term goal was to get them to stop throwing rocks at each other, but we did not have any long term goals involving relationships with them.
Since that day, Ferby has become good friends with my youngest daughter. He comes over to our house just about every single day. Multiple times. When he is not at our house, I often see him out and about wandering the streets of Homewood looking for something interesting (usually destructive) to do. Recently, he has taken up the hobby of wandering around in places that are within sight line of our front door so that he can run up to greet us every time we arrive at our house. When he started calling my daughters his "sisters," Julie "mom,", and me "dad," we realized that we would need to have a difficult conversation about boundaries with the little guy. I have tried several different approaches with him. Let's just say that the boundary negotiations are still in progress.
I wonder what Jesus thinks about my boundary negotiations with Ferby? It's kind of ridiculous to imagine Jesus saying things like, "I'd love to spend time with you, but I only do that on Monday nights from 5-8pm. Come back then and you'll get my full attention." Or, "We are not your family. You don't live here." Or, "We can't feed you every day. You're not in our grocery budget." Instead, Jesus often said things to people like, "Follow me... Love your neighbor as yourself... Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven... Do not worry about what you will eat or wear... give away everything you have." I can't imagine him saying something like, "Don't follow me." Or, "Blessed are those who are responsible and efficient with what they have, for they are the ones who figured out how to create effective boundaries between themselves and people in need." Jesus did model some boundaries for people in ministry, though. He often withdrew from the crowds to rest. He only selected twelve people to be very close to him, and he only invited three of those followers to go into deeper relationships. I know many urban ministry leaders struggle in this area of establishing healthy boundaries, and one thing I know is that there is no magical place of boundaries that one arrives at. Boundaries are an ongoing process. Ferby is a human being, not an urban ministry project to be controlled or manipulated. Jesus loves Ferby, and so we will continue to love Ferby. Love is what defines relationships, not boundaries.
6 comments:
Bryan
Gee, this is a tough one - not conceptually, but on a practical level. I've found that the line between being an encourager / being an enabler, between being an friend that someone can depend on / them becoming dependent, is really hard to define. I wish I could give you a magic recipe for it. Hey, if you find it, give it me! :)
Meantime, I'll be praying for wisdom for you and your family.
John V
I agree that this is a tough one, particularly in an urban setting. There is constant need twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. I still haven't figured this out myself, but thanks for giving me some things to think about!
Danielle
Actually, if it's any help, I think Jesus DID set boundaries at times. One instance is Mark 5 when the demon-possessed man "begged" to go with Jesus - but Jesus didn't let him.
I think his withdrawal from crowds to rest/pray, as you mention, is also key.
I also think there is a kind of "theological boundary" that we see Jesus setting up at times. By this I mean he often told parables, and intentionally did not explain their meaning. He would just say, "He who has ears to hear, let him hear," and then he'd skip out on the scene. He explains this strategy by saying he does this SO THAT people won't repent and follow him. What??? The idea is that he knew that true spiritual seekers would push on past that boundary, seek deeper truth and discipleship, etc. (as opposed to the masses of people just curious or only seeking free fish and loaves or healing).
I've learned something about boundaries in places like Kenya too. Those people (missionaries and local leaders) live and breathe in one of the most poverty stricken places on the planet: the slums of Nairobi. They have clarified the importance of saying "no" so they can say a clearer and more constructive "yes."
When it comes to children, I think it's much harder to say "no." But, I still think if saying "no" sometimes allows you to say "yes" more fully - then you are stewarding your energies and creating a more realistic framework for leadership in the kingdom.
The needs are twenty-four seven, but you aren't. I'm not even sure Jesus was twenty-four seven (otherwise, he wouldn't be fully human, right?). I would encourage you to shoot for something more human like... 23/7... You know, take an hour to rest now and then.
:)
- Tim
Great thoughts... I guess I'll shoot for 23/7! It's so interesting to me that Jesus' ministry was never really about efficiency or success by wordly standards, and yet in our modern Western Christian context we still try so hard to gage the success of our efforts based on efficiency and drivenness.
Bryan
Well, the reason that is, is: a) we've bought into the world's definition of efficiency, and b) we've confused obedience and success. God never calls us to be successful - He calls us to be obedient.
John V
We definitely try to gauge our success by efficiency and driveness! Doing urban ministry in El Salvador has turned that upside down for me. Both my husband and I have that driven personality type...sometimes we just look at each other and laugh because we ended up in Latin America! But it's a learning process as we are literally forced by the culture around us to slow down, have an extra cup of coffee with someone, be flexible,focus solely on relationships even with no end result in sight, and possibly (oh the horror)leave a task unfinished! But like you said Jesus didn't do ministry in a "modern Western Christian context." So why do I still keep trying to? Again, haven't figured this one out but definitely learning a lot in the process!
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