Although I believe that I have a generally calm personality, I am also a very driven person. That has its benefits sometimes, but it also gets me into trouble. Urban ministry issues are often very complex. Quick fixes and more effort do not necessarily yield immediate results in the lives of the young people that I work with in Homewood. In fact, sometimes the kids get worse before they get better. Also, mentoring is a seed planting ministry that is intended to lead to long term generational impact. I need to work hard, but sometimes the challenges are so many that I push myself too hard in order to try to achieve greater results or life change that I cannot really control.
This is also true on a personal level with me. The doctorate program that I am in should take five years to complete at a regular pace, and this morning I actually tried to convince Julie that I could do it in three years (even though we can't afford it at that pace and it would put a strain on the family). And it's not just that. At the end of the day, I'm often left with the feeling that I could have done more. More work... more fun... more time with Julie... more time with the girls... more time with friends... more time with God... more people over for dinner... more reading... more exercise... more blogging! In many cases for me, my drivenness leads to sin. I harm myself spiritually, physically, mentally, and socially when I take on too much. I harm others... often Julie and the girls bear the full brunt of my busyness and distraction.
So, what is the remedy for drivenness (or as I sometimes call it, adult onset ADD). Why do I have a hard time just resting, or sitting still, or not multitasking? It is tough to slow down when you are leading at full speed. I believe God desires for me to have a healthy "rhythm" to life. Many people call that balance, but have been learning through my classes that balance is not possible for leaders nor should it be something to be aspired to. The key is embracing joy in suffering. Leadership comes with a cost, and being a true follower of Christ often comes with suffering. God designed me a certain way, and the key is learning how to harness my "DNA" for good use by being disciplined. As a leader, I am always going to have many irons in the fire. I need to learn how to operate with loose ends, and urban ministry in particular is a constant reminder that I am never going to achieve some status in life where I am completely balanced.
What do you think? Is balance possible? Is being balanced actually being comfortable? Does God call us to be comfortable? Does God call us to embrace suffering?
3 comments:
Bryan
Gee, Bryan, LOTS to talk about here. Methinks you and me need another 'coffee session' to kick some of this around.
I know EXACTLY what you mean, as I've often felt the same way. I was always trying to cram too much into too little time - work, ministry, wife, kids, hobbies, exercise, friends - it was a disaster.
I also understand the frustration of urban ministry, although probably not to the same extent. It's sometimes difficult to keep the 'long view' day after day after day.
As a 'gray beard' there's lots I could say, but it would take more room and more typing than is available here. Maybe we should het together real soon?
John V
First, I wish I had a "calm personality" to go with my drivenness - and so does everyone else! I think 90 percent of all of our questions can be answered with a WWJD? Is balance a good thing? Was Jesus "balanced"? Of course, Jesus made sure he took time to spend alone with the Father. He also took some recreational time. But His life was driven with purpose and He remained in hot pursuit. Comfort and convenience did not seem to be in His vocabulary often.
Today, I think Christians misuse the word "balance". Sure, we are not meant to go to the extreme of hurting our families and burning ourselves out. We need to constantly get filled up so we can keep pouring out. But balance does not mean I spend 2-4 hours a week on Kingdom business and the rest is my time. That's not balance - that's lukewarm - and I understand why it made Jesus want to spew. Today in church, one of the pastors said they understand not everyone has 4-5 hours a week to commit to LAMP. First, I think they exaggerated slightly on the hours, but more importantly, if we did an inventory of our time for seven days, how many hours would have logged watching TV? I am not a big TV person and I watch 4 and half hours this past week. Four hours that I could have been advancing His Kingdom. In church today, they talked about how much need is out there in the city, with abandoned kids, with the elderly, etc. I personally don't think "balance" is going to meet the need.
Its me again - the anonymous one who is never anonymous. I had another thought. I was thinking of two great heros of the recent past: Mother Theresa and Oscar Schlinder. I remember watching an interview of Mother Theresa on 60 Minutes. They asked her this question: "You have already done so much, what could you possibly hope to accomplish now?" Her answer... she looked at them like they had ten heads and said "More! More! Always More!"
And I am sure you have seen Schlinders List. At the end when they show him how many lives he saved, he sobbed with gut wretching sobs because he could have saved so many more.
My point - These two were heros of their day - and there was nothing balanced about them. And yes, they suffered.
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